Reality catching up

My first post in English finally.

dsc_0715 I am in Gainesville, Florida at the moment. I suprised my friend Randy on Saturday evening. He thought that I was in Russia and was waiting for me to call when I came in through the back door of his house. He is so happy about me being here, that this is probably one of the best birthday gifts I ever gave someone. It is also very good for me to be here. Despites the fact that I can spend time with one of my dearest friends I have a lot of work to do with creating this blog and organising things for my upcoming travel to Nepal. I spend hours at Randy´s Restaurant (Burrito Brothers) in front of my laptop. I walk around the city or relax in his beautiful garden. All that dosn´t really sound exciting and it isn´t but I enjoy to spend the evening with his cats, a book from his libary and a cup of tea on the couch. That is just really what I needed after all the rush in the last weeks. I might be made for traveling, but defintely not for traveling fast.

The impresssion I get from the US though, staying in one place rather than just rushing through might be more real. It is really interesting how different this country is even thought it has the same roots as Europe. Everything here is just a little bit bigger then at home for example. The cars are huge. I have never seen such a big diversity of unhealthy stuff in a supermarket and the giant packages are pretty impressive too. As a German I am not used to talk to strangers but that is what you do here. You can just pick up a conversation with pretty much everyone everywhere which is kind of fun. It is hard to imagine that this is the country which just elected Trump as its president when you meet all those nice people. What I love the most here is the nature. Since this is a really big country where you would go everywhere by car even the citys are more wide. So you can see wonderful big trees with a lot of spanish moss hanging from their braches at every corner. I really enjoy walking around here just to look at those trees.

When I was at home I dreamed about this travel for months. I thought that as soon as I had packed my backpack all the problems I had at home would go away. I should have really known better slowly. It is not that I haven´t experienced this before. All the demons I ran away from are within me and there is no way to escape. I could ignore them when I changed location every second day. The impressions were so overwhelming that I had no chance to see what is going on within me even if I wanted to. But since I have had the chance to relax here dsc_0726all the feelings are flooding me like a wave. I am struggling with that a lot. There is that expecation from myself to be happy. I think since I am living my dream I should be fine Well, but this is reality. It is still pretty damned cool to travel. And beeing sad in sunny Florida is way better than beeing sad in rainy Germany. But there is the same shit on which you have to focus. I still don´t know how I should react when I wake up and I have tears in my eyes. I know what my typical reactions are though. First I blame everybody around me. My mum for example who asked me if I could come home earlier to work yesterday or my friends who don´t behave as I would like. I think, as at home, that my surrounding is responsible for how I feel. So I start to make plans how to escape or travel somewhere else. But sooner or later I realise how stupid this is. I am looking for the roots of my depression somewhere outside of me. I have lived with that since I was 13. So I should really know by now that even when everything changes, as it did the last years, the feelings will remain the same. The sadness stays the same. It will come, it will stay for a while and it will go away sooner or later. This is just how my life is. The big challenge from day to day is to accept this fact and the big question how to handle it.

I read something about impermanence today in one of the books I took from Randy´s wonderful library. „Everything changes“ This is obvious and easy to understand, you may think. But try to keep it in mind always and you will realise how often we fight against this fact. As I fight against the sadness. This is the cause of a lot of struggle in our lives. We want things to be different. I want myself to be happy. Now you might think, why should the desire to be happy be wrong? Well, desire never leads to real happieness. This is the same with me dreaming about my travels while home. I focused on one point in the future where I would fulfill my desire to leave. But now, since I left, there is still a part in me which is not happy. And a lot of new desire comes up. If just I had a boyfriend, I may think, or more money, then I would be happy. But I am sure that when I these things are true there will still be more ifs and whens. And as you see this will never end. Desire will lead to more desire not to happieness. This is why the only time you find true happiness is in the present moment.

I´m writing that while I sit in Randys garden and watch the sun going down behind the trees. To just enjoy this view and not minding if I´ll wake up with tears in my eyes tomorrow, comes pretty close


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